How to Counsel a Wife Considering Leaving an Addict

WHAT CAN BE SAID TO A WOMAN CONSIDERING DIVORCE FROM A HUSBAND WITH AN ADDICTION?

Priests are often called upon to speak with parishioners about painful family situations.

Quite often it is wives—worn down by years of life with husbands suffering from alcoholism or another form of addiction—who come with difficult questions.

❓ Is divorce permissible?

❓ Is there still hope for a family life with someone else?

❓ Children need a stable father, don’t they?

Sometimes the question is put very plainly: “Bless me to get divorced.” Orthodox Christians are accustomed to asking for a blessing before important steps. Yet here the request itself already reveals a deeper problem.

What, in such cases, is the priest actually being asked to do—and what lies beyond his authority?

In the teaching of the Russian Orthodox Church (as set forth in the Basis of the Social Concept) medically confirmed alcoholism or drug addiction may constitute grounds for the dissolution of a marriage.

❗️ Yet this is understood as an extreme measure—an emergency exit rather than a normal path. Should one resort to it, or continue struggling for the marriage? Where does pastoral responsibility begin, and where must it stop?

Below we present reflections from contributors to priest.today (a Russian Orthodox clergy forum for discussing pastoral practice). Their differing emphases are not a weakness, but a reminder of how complex and personal such situations truly are. ⬇️⬇️⬇️

☑️ Archpriest Ilya Shugaev:

It seems to me that a priest should not bless a divorce.

That would be an overstepping of authority. The priest should not take this decision upon himself. The responsibility ultimately belongs to the woman herself. The priest’s role is different: to help her see clearly, to assist her in discernment.

A priest may help her recognise that, in a particular situation, divorce is not excluded and may even be the lesser evil. He may point to this possibility and explain why it can be morally justified—but this is not the same as directly blessing such a step.

“Yes, medically confirmed alcoholism or drug addiction can constitute grounds for a church divorce. Grounds—but that does not mean divorce must necessarily follow.

There is a moment when the very idea of losing his family no longer restrains a man. If a wife says, ‘I can’t go on like this, I want a divorce,’ and the response is simply, ‘Fine—go ahead,’ then something essential has already been lost. When wife, children, and family no longer matter—when alcohol is preferred to everything else—divorce may indeed be the wiser course.

The strongest lever a wife has is the husband’s fear of losing his family. If that fear has already been drunk away, then she has nothing left with which to influence him.

“Alcoholism is like speeding downhill with no steering and no brakes. When that is the situation, staying inside the car is more dangerous than jumping out.

But if the husband does not want a divorce—if the thought of losing his family still frightens him, if family remains a real value—then perhaps one should not rush to divorce.

At the same time, there is another danger: codependency. This is where a kind of game begins. She threatens divorce. He plays along—lowered eyes, anxious words—fully aware that nothing will really change. A week passes, things settle down, and drinking resumes as before.

That is why words alone are not enough. One must not play this game. Clear conditions and real actions are essential. There must be an honest conversation: ‘I do not want a divorce, but I cannot live like this. Let us look at what can actually be done. Are you willing to seek treatment? To go to a specialist? If you are prepared to take real steps, I will not file for divorce—because then I can see that you are truly fighting.’

If there are only promises—no conditions, no concrete efforts—then this is still a game. What is needed is a shared plan, with clear and realistic expectations. Not manipulation, but openness: ‘I cannot continue living with an alcoholic husband. If you are willing to attend support groups, seek treatment, commit yourself to sobriety—then there is hope. I want to believe in you.’

If the husband stubbornly does nothing and limits himself to words, then divorce may again become a real possibility. In some cases, losing his wife and daily contact with his children may be the shock that finally awakens him.”

Sometimes a woman may say: ‘We will separate, but I am prepared to consider restoring the marriage in a year—if you truly change.’ This would not be a return to the old relationship, but the beginning of something new, with a person who has genuinely tried to overcome his addiction.

☑️ Bishop Methodius (Kondratiev):

I would not recommend divorce—especially when the question is less about separation itself and more about entering into a new marriage. The ideal remains a single, lifelong marriage, as in the case of a priest.

Although the Church permits a second and even a third marriage, this is a concession—a pastoral allowance made in view of human weakness, not the norm.

If a marriage becomes unbearable—if a person behaves destructively, abuses the spouse, or traumatises the children—it may be better simply to live apart.

Such separation can become a serious impetus for change. Not necessarily immediately, but sometimes months or even years later. If the person comes to his senses and is restored, there may still be a chance to rebuild the family.

I would be cautious about blessing a second marriage for someone who has lived with an alcoholic or drug-dependent spouse. Often it is enough to say: ‘If you change and return in a different state, I will be ready to come back. But in this condition, we cannot live together, and I will not allow the children to be harmed.’ This is a real and possible path.

Another important point is this: those who live with an alcoholic—whether wife or husband—must understand that addiction is usually a family illness. Just as the dependent person makes serious mistakes while sick, so too the spouse often makes mistakes in relation to him. For this reason, it is essential for relatives of the addicted person to examine their own behaviour and patterns.

It often happens that when a spouse begins to act more rightly—ceasing, even unconsciously, to support the addiction—the addicted person begins to change.

There are cases where a woman leaves one alcoholic, then marries another, and then a third. Often the problem is not only in the men, but in her inability to build relationships differently. Yet if the relationship with the current spouse is re-ordered, much else may also change.

If we speak strictly according to the Gospel, without concessions, alcoholism and drug addiction are not in themselves grounds for divorce. This does not mean, however, that temporary separation is impossible.

As we can see, these perspectives differ in emphasis—and this is precisely the point. There is no universal formula. Each concrete situation requires discernment.

The pastoral path lies somewhere between two poles: on the one hand, the command not to destroy what God has joined together; on the other, the sober recognition that, in some circumstances, divorce may be the lesser evil when continued cohabitation leads only to deeper harm.

We prayerfully wish you God’s help and pastoral wisdom in your ministry.

With fraternal regard,

Orthodox Clergy Club