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First off, show up.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t ask permission, just show up.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s always difficult to know just what to say when a friend or loved one tells you of a personal tragedy. The usual responses of \u201cI\u2019m so sorry,\u201d or \u201cwhat can I do?\u201d are often not helpful. Both of these, though usually coming from a place of true compassion and intent to help, often make matters worse for the sufferer.<\/p>\n
If someone tells me they are sorry that I lost a loved one there\u2019s little I can do with that. \u201cThanks for being sorry, but it wasn\u2019t your fault,\u201d followed by the feeling that I, the sufferer, now has to console the consoler. The phrase can also come across with a sense of pity, and nobody likes to be pitied.<\/p>\n
The latter\u2014\u201cWhat can I do?\u201d\u2014throws the burden back on the sufferer. Sort of like, \u201cI know you\u2019re suffering, but you really need to figure out how I can help you.\u201d No sufferer wants to (a) have the extra burden of matching tasks with personalities, and (b) play the annoying head-game of deciding whether or not the would-be helper really intends to help, and what is too much to ask.<\/p>\n
Instead, just show up. What the struggling person really needs is the reassurance that others are there for them, and there is no better proof than to, well\u2026 to actually be there. Too often friends and family will simply abandon the sufferer to their fate, rationalizing that they probably need space during their time of mourning. This is very rarely the case. The vast majority of suffers complain that they feel cut off the very people they most need during hardship.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t ask if you can visit. Just show up.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t ask what they need. Bring what you would want if your roles were switched. Even if what you bring doesn\u2019t fit the bill, it is genuine proof that you care. Who cares if they would\u2019ve taken soy instead of milk in their latte, just bring them the latte.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t tell them you\u2019re sorry, unless you actually did something to contribute to the pain. If their pain sounds horrendous, tell them it sounds horrendous. If the suffering sounds unbearable, tell them it sounds unbearable. If you can\u2019t fathom their pain, tell them so.<\/p>\n
And no matter what else you may or may no say, please, I beg you, please do not tell them how they should feel about their loss; do not create for them an artificial timeline for when they should be over it; do not tell them \u201cEverything is going to be okay,\u201d unless you are absolutely certain that it will be. All of these simply add to their suffering the extra burden of how you expect them to perform their suffering.<\/p>\n
Just be there.<\/p>\n