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Recently I conducted an initial consultation with a couple who were having serious marital problems. After a few amenities were shared, both partners wasted little time describing how their marriage and spouse were failing to meet their needs.<\/p>\n
I listened respectfully, while keeping tight control over the conversation to prevent it from escalating out of control. After about 20 minutes of complaints, I felt I had some understanding of what had promoted this couple to seek couple therapy. At that point, I moved the conversation into a different direction.<\/p>\n
\u201cCorrect me if I\u2019m wrong,\u201d I stated. \u201cBut here\u2019s what I\u2019ve heard so far. You\u2019re both here because neither of you believe you\u2019re getting enough of your needs met by your partner, which means that your partner\u2019s needs are also being ignored. Correct?\u201d<\/p>\n
Both appeared to reluctantly agree. I guessed their hesitancy was related to the second part of my statement, but I didn\u2019t pursue this hunch. Instead, I continued undeterred. \u201cOkay then, if this is correct, I have the solution.\u201d At this point both perked up a little and seemed more engaged and interested.<\/p>\n
\u201cHere\u2019s what I think. If you\u2019re not getting enough from your marriage, then maybe it\u2019s because you\u2019re not giving enough to both your marriage and your partner.\u201d<\/p>\n
I then began to explain this statement by indicating that spouses who report high levels of marital satisfaction aren\u2019t only focused on what their getting from their marriage and partner, they\u2019re also equally focused on what they\u2019re giving to their marriage and partner.<\/p>\n
\u201dOkay, so here\u2019s the bottom line,\u201d I stated. \u201cI don\u2019t expect you to completely buy into these statements today. But, if you\u2019re interested in meeting with me again, you should know that a large part of the work we\u2019ll be doing together will be devoted to helping you develop a much deeper understanding of these statements.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m happy to report that by the end of this session, both decided to commit to six months of therapy. I\u2019m equally pleased to report that as they were both able to shift away from a self-centered perspective that focused on what their weren\u2019t getting from each other, to a perspective that\u2019s characterized by a spirit of service, giving and compassion for their partner, marital satisfaction slowly began returning.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re a society that places a great premium on self-fulfillment, self-determination, self-sufficiency and self-improvement.<\/p>\n
By the way, did you notice the emphasis on self? I believe that\u2019s one reason why many unhappy spouses have bought into the notion that they deserve to be happy, and if they aren\u2019t happy, they\u2019re quick to blame their spouse and marriage for their unhappiness. In fact, a substantial amount of advice found in self-help books is based on these assertions.<\/p>\n
As pervasive as these attitudes are, I also believe they\u2019re fatally flawed. Moreover, some of the newest research \u2013 and by extension, couple\u2019s therapy \u2013 emerging from the human sciences suggests that no one can make us happy, and that we are in charge of our happiness. This work, which has an empirical foundation based on new findings from neuroscience also maintains that happiness essentially emerges when we give of ourselves to others, rather than when we focus on our needs and take from others.<\/p>\n
By the way, does any of this sound familiar? It should. That\u2019s because Christian relationships are based on service, giving and compassion. So, as innovative as these findings might be, they\u2019re not news to couples who live a Christ-centered lifestyle. Here are a few additional insights to reinforce this last statement.<\/p>\n
In St. Mark\u2019s Gospel Jesus is quoted as offering the following counsel to his disciples who are in the midst of a heated argument. \u201cYou know that those who are supposed to rule over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them.<\/p>\n
But it shall not be so among you; but whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For the Son of man also came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many\u201d (MK 10: 42-45).<\/p>\n
In effect, this counsel was alluding to two key attributes that characterize Christ-centered relationships. Based on Christ\u2019s own example, the first is that a spirit of service, giving and selfsacrificial love would be part and parcel of Christians\u2019 transactions and interactions with one another.<\/p>\n
The second would be that these attributes would distinguish Christian relationships from other types of relationships that are based on power politics, manipulation and selfish attitudes of entitlement.<\/p>\n
In my own work with hundreds of conflicted couples, I\u2019ve noticed that when couples are able to make the shift away from blaming their partner and marriage for their unhappiness, to a spirit of service, giving and selfsacrificial love, marital satisfaction slowly returns.<\/p>\n
Conversely, couples who can\u2019t make this shift remain disconnected and stuck in a painfully conflicted, destructive marriage \u2013 one that often slip-slides toward marital meltdown and divorce.<\/p>\n
All of which means that if you\u2019re not getting enough from your marriage, then you\u2019re probably not serving your partner enough, you\u2019re probably not giving enough, and you\u2019re probably not relating to your partner in a selfsacrificial compassionate way.<\/p>\n
One way to remedy this deficit is to make a shift away from a self-centered perspective that compels us to focus on our own needs, to a Christ-centered attitude of giving, service and selfsacrificial compassion.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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